he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This baby is an asshole
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
