Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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