Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
