I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
