Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
