Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
