shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
