No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
