about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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