That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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