I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
