I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
