allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You can't motorboat a personality
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
