Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
