I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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