Just fell off a train. Bad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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