Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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