Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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