Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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