I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
