His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
