I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
