There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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