Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
