There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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