How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
