i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you had me at cake vodka
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
