just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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