Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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