How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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