Only a mothe r could love this liver
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
