If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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