He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
