dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
