The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
