1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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