you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
