Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
