how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
