News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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