Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
