wanna go halves on a baby?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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