If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
