im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
