Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I want to have your abortion
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
