Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
