she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
