Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
