Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
