WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
